Vietnamese Women in Vietnam Aren't Homewreckers

Before we left for Vietnam, my wife and about seven Vietnamese-American friends all gave the same warning: "Vietnamese women are going to try to steal you away from your wife."

The more I was told this, the more I was taken aback. I tried to explain otherwise because I felt like that was a very strong statement to make. As well-intentioned as they wanted to be, most of those who gave me this warning claimed that I was wrong, that I was naive, and that I "just didn't know" how things worked in Vietnam because I neither Vietnamese nor born in Vietnam.

Having been here for a few months, I figured that it was high time to explore the stereotype of the "Vietnamese homewrecker."

Scandal Becomes Rumor, Rumor Becomes Warning

Here is my best guess as to how the perception that Vietnamese women in Vietnam are husband-thieves came about: Somebody knows somebody (...who has a cousin, etc.) who went back to Vietnam, divorced his wife in the States, and married a Vietnamese woman. The story was so scandalous that that somebody couldn't help but tell others. The story spread like wildfire.

To say the very least, this kind of shocking and dramatic marital development causes havoc and heartbreak within the family. Word about the husband's infidelity and new marriage inevitably spreads within the tight-knit Vietnamese community. As such, shame is casted upon multiple parties: the husband who left his wife for a Vietnamese woman, the newly-divorced wife who was left for another (possibly younger) woman, the kids who now come from a broken home, and the conservative, religious parents who now have a divorce of this nature attached to their families' name.

I don't want to marginalize this trauma. It terrible and lamentable. I'm sorry if this has ever happened to you or someone you know.

I recognize that there's a decent chance that all, if not at least some, of these stories floating around the Vietnamese community are real and true as told. Even if a fraction of the stories actually occurred exactly as was explained, and if other people heard similar stories (or even the same story iterated differently so as to be consumed as a completely separate story), then I supposed that there's got to be some truth about Vietnamese women in Vietnam, right? "Where there's smoke, there's fire."

Despite what the facts may be, this and other such stories travel from family member to family member, friend to friend, and church member to church member. As these stories find new ears, specific details, however true and hurtful they may be, yield to dramatic interpretation and colorful, assertive language about how malicious Vietnamese women in Vietnam can be, and, as a consequence, about why Thuy shouldn't let my leash get too long while we're in Vietnam.

So Far, No Theft (and Don't Say "Just You Wait...")

I've lived in Vietnam for about three months, I can report with a fair amount of confidence that this perception of Vietnamese women as homewreckers is not true.

Now, let's qualify this a bit, shall we? Perhaps I'm wrong; perhaps you're thinking that I haven't experienced any of this husband-stealing activity because:

• I'm not a Vietnamese-American (a.k.a. "Viet Kieu My"), so I lack a cultural connection to the Vietnamese people, be it here in Vietnam or back home within the Vietnamese community.
• I'm not white, so I don't exactly look like I come from the rich, advanced West.
• In a related point, I'm brown, and brown people don't seem to get a lot of attention or play in the big city.
• Although I'm not cracking mirrors, I'm also not drop-dead handsome.
• I don't flash my wealth; I don't wear popular brands or drive fancy cars, so I'm not oozing opulence.

Nevertheless, I have made the acquaintance of Vietnamese women through salsa dancing, language practice, and general social activities, and every woman who I have met has been respectful of my marriage. There hasn't been any flirting or interactions of the like. They have been nice, polite, and friendly. What else would you expect?

To anyone who responds with "just you wait" or "you just haven't noticed it," I have to ask you, "are you that skeptical?"

Other Points of View

The more an opinion of someone or something is forced on me, the more motivated I am to ask questions that challenge the perception and open the way to other points of view.

Thus, I'm compelled to ask of those who hold this view of Vietnamese women:

1. Where did you hear your story? Who gave you this information? Can you verify it?
2. Do you know the compete situation of the family? Were the husband and wife already on the outs and heading towards divorce before the husband left for Vietnam?
3. How do we know that this story is even true, and that isn't just some smear campaign against the husband because someone doesn't like him?
4. Isn't it possible that the husband and wife just went through a bitter divorce before he went to Vietnam, and the wife decided to create this smear campaign on her own just to spite him?
5. Isn't it possible that the husband went to Vietnam and married a woman without her even knowing that he was married?
6. Have you even been to Vietnam lately and for long enough to determine this activity as regular enough to make your claim?
7. Even if the stories you've heard are true, don't you think it's a bit rough to cast this aspersion across all Vietnamese woman because of the actions of a few?

The woman was vilified in every single one of the warnings I received. It's as if the husband fell victim to the irresistible charms of the woman. It stands to reason that the man is just as much, if not more, at fault than the Vietnamese woman, but I've yet to hear any demonization flung upon him.

Look, I'm not naive. I get that this situation can happen and probably has happened in the past; it's traumatic for everyone involved. I don't want to downplay that one bit. However, trial by media sucks. That's what it feels like when I hear friends say "you better steer clear of those Vietnamese women. They'll get'cha."

In Closing

I talked to my language partner about this very topic. I told her that I had Vietnamese-American friends tell me to watch out for Vietnamese women, that all they will do is try to steal foreign husbands.

Her response: "I think your friends have the wrong impression of Vietnamese women."

Sure, a response to that would be "of COURSE she would say that! What are you, an idiot?" I'll retort by asking if are you in any capacity to judge the truthfulness in her response?

Just in case my point wasn't made clear before: Vietnamese women in Vietnam are cool, and I haven't come across nor experienced any theft. Let's ease up on the stereotyping.